When jumping off a bridge into a lake, clench your bum so water doesn't rush up your anus. (from the novel "Oryx and Crake", by Margaret Atwood).
Or just take a donkey punch on impact. Same thing.
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Monday, October 9, 2006
Thursday, October 5, 2006
Four Cornered
The other day, I learned about a teaching strategy referred to as “Four Corners”. It works best with philosophical/abstract questions (e.g. political sciences) rather than concrete lessons (e.g. biology and math). The teacher poses a question and in each corner of the room are four responses. The students, when prompted, go to the corner that best describes their feelings towards the question/topic. The reason for their decision is discussed as a group, and a representative presents the concensus to the entire class.
To demonstrate this, the prof asked us “What do you think of love?” Corner 1: Love is like a wild rollercoaster on a brisk summer evening. Corner 2: Love is a random phenomenon, a game of dice. Corner 3: Love is like a tidal wave that engulfs you. Corner 4: Love is like a slow-burning candle, spreading its warmth around you. The prof said go, and all 60 students in the class began to move. The entire class spread out pretty evenly amongst corners 1, 3, and 4...with the exception of two students; a guy named Henry, and myself.
The ultimate symbol of love.
When the dust had settled, everybody looked to our corner and had a good laugh. Given the disparity in numbers, the prof decided to talk to us last. Henry isn't an open talker, so I agreed to do the class discussion for our "group".
Prof: "...SO.....you two...why did you pick that corner?"
Me: "Well, Henry and I are both heartless so we can't understand all that symbolism you provided in the other corners."
But Henry and I did discuss that love happening for two people is very often dictated by circumstances beyond one's control. It's not that we are heartless and cold-hearted; on the contrary - I love romantic-comedies, I enjoy a good love story, and was moved to tears when I saw my friends' get married. Thinking of how happy my loved ones are with their partners brings a smile to my face, and I wholeheartedly cheer them on when they're dreaming of the object of their affection.
This has nothing to do with bitterness toward relationships or women. It is just my feeling that, if you love somebody, external circumstances which are completely out of the realm of your control, can prevent it from ever happening.
Even worse, the other person may not reciprocate! Is that up to you to decide? No; you may as well be rolling a dice.
To demonstrate this, the prof asked us “What do you think of love?” Corner 1: Love is like a wild rollercoaster on a brisk summer evening. Corner 2: Love is a random phenomenon, a game of dice. Corner 3: Love is like a tidal wave that engulfs you. Corner 4: Love is like a slow-burning candle, spreading its warmth around you. The prof said go, and all 60 students in the class began to move. The entire class spread out pretty evenly amongst corners 1, 3, and 4...with the exception of two students; a guy named Henry, and myself.
The ultimate symbol of love.
When the dust had settled, everybody looked to our corner and had a good laugh. Given the disparity in numbers, the prof decided to talk to us last. Henry isn't an open talker, so I agreed to do the class discussion for our "group".
Prof: "...SO.....you two...why did you pick that corner?"
Me: "Well, Henry and I are both heartless
But Henry and I did discuss that love happening for two people is very often dictated by circumstances beyond one's control. It's not that we are heartless and cold-hearted; on the contrary - I love romantic-comedies, I enjoy a good love story, and was moved to tears when I saw my friends' get married. Thinking of how happy my loved ones are with their partners brings a smile to my face, and I wholeheartedly cheer them on when they're dreaming of the object of their affection.
This has nothing to do with bitterness toward relationships or women. It is just my feeling that, if you love somebody, external circumstances which are completely out of the realm of your control, can prevent it from ever happening.
Even worse, the other person may not reciprocate! Is that up to you to decide? No; you may as well be rolling a dice.
Monday, October 2, 2006
Rise, Lord Mayer
I was on John Mayer's website the other day. Yes, I admit that I like his songs, giving others an oppurtunity to question my sexuality and my balls. Anyway, to promote his new album, the following banner is placed at the top of the homepage.
I saw the picture, and as the image registered in my mind, I did a double-take. "He looks like someone.", I thought. Not more than a second later did it hit me.
John Mayer, the artist behind several love ballads that have swooned women the world over, resembles the modern day film icon of corruption and betrayal - Anakin Skywalker. I wholeheartedly expect John to go all out and snap on this newly released album. Instead of singing about beautiful women, and making love to their wonderland bodies, he'll discuss the intricacies of bitches, hos, and doggy style.
John Mayer may go loco anytime now.
If the visual similarities aren't enough to convince you, ask yourself this; when did Anakin Skywalker go from virtuous to villainous? Third movie. This record John has recently released; what number is it in his growing discography? Third. Coincidence? Highly unlikely.
Rise, Lord Mayer. RISE.
I saw the picture, and as the image registered in my mind, I did a double-take. "He looks like someone.", I thought. Not more than a second later did it hit me.
John Mayer, the artist behind several love ballads that have swooned women the world over, resembles the modern day film icon of corruption and betrayal - Anakin Skywalker. I wholeheartedly expect John to go all out and snap on this newly released album. Instead of singing about beautiful women, and making love to their wonderland bodies, he'll discuss the intricacies of bitches, hos, and doggy style.
John Mayer may go loco anytime now.
If the visual similarities aren't enough to convince you, ask yourself this; when did Anakin Skywalker go from virtuous to villainous? Third movie. This record John has recently released; what number is it in his growing discography? Third. Coincidence? Highly unlikely.
Rise, Lord Mayer. RISE.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Alpha is the new Beta-Max
This is not news, new news at least. But the reality of the situation just hit me this weekend.
With the new fall TV season in full swing, and school work taking up all of my primetime, I figure I should record my shows and watch them at a later time. There are a couple of problems with that solution.
Problem 1) - I don't have a VCR. Revise that; a useable VCR. I do have one VCR whose timer doesn't work, and it's nearly as old as I am. It works, but I'd prefer one that is programmable.
Problem 2) I can't find a VCR to buy. I knew the technology was becoming more and more obselete, but I never thought they'd be this hard to find. All the major electronics stores no longer carry them. I found one at Wal-Mart for around $50, so I may pick it up this weekend.
Look at it while you can; it's headed the way of the dodo.
It's amazing to think how the former king of home video has gone the way of the failed beta-max within a few years.
With the new fall TV season in full swing, and school work taking up all of my primetime, I figure I should record my shows and watch them at a later time. There are a couple of problems with that solution.
Problem 1) - I don't have a VCR. Revise that; a useable VCR. I do have one VCR whose timer doesn't work, and it's nearly as old as I am. It works, but I'd prefer one that is programmable.
Problem 2) I can't find a VCR to buy. I knew the technology was becoming more and more obselete, but I never thought they'd be this hard to find. All the major electronics stores no longer carry them. I found one at Wal-Mart for around $50, so I may pick it up this weekend.
Look at it while you can; it's headed the way of the dodo.
It's amazing to think how the former king of home video has gone the way of the failed beta-max within a few years.
Monday, September 25, 2006
Resetting the Pace
I finally did it. After over a year of sleeping at 3am and getting up at 11am, my internal rhythm has been reset to accomodate early morning arousals (6:30am).
Why did I do it? OISE (a fancy acronym that basically translates into "teacher's college at U of T") has scheduled me for several 8:30am classes. Factoring in the time needed to commute and do my entire beauty regime (you CAN look as good as me, you just have to invest the time....), I figured I needed about two hours.
The Red Team chooses to raid the Blue base when I fall asleep at my post.
It wasn't easy, mainly because of my late-night rituals. I love watching Conan O'Brien. I love killing n00bs on Xbox Live at night. I love reading novels/comics before going to bed. And I love doing all of this after 11pm. There were times in the past several months where I had to get up around 7am for early morning teaching. 11pm would roll around and I'd think "I can't sleep now!"
Anyway, with all the work I have these days there's barely any time for all of that goodness. Maybe I could fit some things in if I pace myself accordingly.
Why did I do it? OISE (a fancy acronym that basically translates into "teacher's college at U of T") has scheduled me for several 8:30am classes. Factoring in the time needed to commute and do my entire beauty regime (you CAN look as good as me, you just have to invest the time....), I figured I needed about two hours.
The Red Team chooses to raid the Blue base when I fall asleep at my post.
It wasn't easy, mainly because of my late-night rituals. I love watching Conan O'Brien. I love killing n00bs on Xbox Live at night. I love reading novels/comics before going to bed. And I love doing all of this after 11pm. There were times in the past several months where I had to get up around 7am for early morning teaching. 11pm would roll around and I'd think "I can't sleep now!"
Anyway, with all the work I have these days there's barely any time for all of that goodness. Maybe I could fit some things in if I pace myself accordingly.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Countdown to Jackass Part 3 - Butt x-ray
This stunt was originally going to be done by Steve-O. However, prior to the "performance" of the stunt, he discusses how disappointed his dad sounded when he told him about it. Yes, believe it or not, Steve-O has feelings and cares about what his dad thinks of him. So he trades up this one for the off-road tattooing stunt, originally planned for Ryan Dunn.
For some reason, Ryan agrees to get a toy car shoved up his butt. The toy car is placed into a condom, lubed up real nice, and inserted into his rectum - all under paramedic supervision (now that's some safe sex). During the entire ordeal, Ryan proclaims "Oh God, I feel like I gotta s*** my ass!!!" That didn't even make sense, you need your ass to take a shit. How do you "shit your ass"? He's obviously delirious at this point.
With the car shoved in his hole, Ryan walks to the local doctor, complaining of a pain in his bum. He talks about how he passed out at a party the night previous, and awoke to severe rectal pain. The doctor is unsure of what is causing it, so he agrees to take an x-ray.
As he analyzes the results, the doctor furrows his brow. Surely that CANNOT be a toy car in his butt. But the doctor has no choice but to believe his eyes, and infers that Ryan was at a party full of drugged-up homosexuals. While talking to Ryan, he explains that he shouldn't tell anybody about this, not his girlfriend or his boyfriend. How Ryan kept a straight face after that comment is is beyond me. The doctor says that removal of the car will require major surgery, which Ryan refuses.
As the final credits roll, the film shows that Ryan successfully removed the car himself with voluntary bowel movements. Apparently it came out in his shit, as the movie shows the car, in a shit-encrusted condom. Yuck.
Ryan showing off his x-ray. Unfortunately, the idiot that captured this screen didn't include the x-ray. Stupid jackass.
Another legal note for this stunt - the movie could not be clear about who put the car into Ryan's butt. In some states, sodomy is against the law, and this would've gotten the Jackass crew in deep trouble. Since we have no idea who really shoved the car up his butt, I guess that makes it suitable viewing. Whatever.
Countdown to Jackass Intro - Commence Countdown
Countdown to Jackass Part 1 - Riot Control Test
Countdown to Jackass Part 2 - Off-road Tattoo
Monday, September 18, 2006
Countdown to Jackass Part 2 - Off-Road Tattoo
Steve-O volunteers to fuse his love of body art with his Jackass art. The stunt goes as follows: Steve-O agrees to get a tattoo of a smiley face on his shoulder....while in a moving off-road dune buggy driven by none other than hardcore punk artist Henry Rollins. Steve-O straps his arms against part of the structure in a futile attempt to restrict mobility while Henry drives over bumps and rocks in the middle of the desert.
The simplest tattoo pattern ever? Maybe...
Henry floors the dune buggy, and tattoo artist Jeff Tremaine goes to work. Rollins does a good job of finding routes to optimize bumpage and interference for Jeff. He makes sure that physically stable periods are kept to a minimum, whilst yelling to Steve-O "This course is designed to F*** YOU UP!!!".
About 45 minutes later, Rollins brings the vehicle to a halt, and Steve-O looks at his tattoo. At first glance, Jeff appears to have done a superb job of following the simplistic pattern, to which Steve-O proclaims, "It's a total smiley face, dude!". Because of all the bumps, blood and ink can be seen smeared down Steve-O's arm.
The movie cuts to an unspecified amount of time later, and the happy face has somehow morphed into a circular smear resembling nothing. Amazingly, some ink dots can be seen as far as a few centimetres away from the circle.
"It's a total smiley face, dude!" - Steve-O
On a semi-related note, Steve-O had another tattoo done prior to the smiley face. This one, as you can see, is on a slightly grander scale.
Yes Steve-O; indeed you do rock.
This is his self-proclaimed, largest self-portrait tattoo on earth. According to Steve-O, the depicted head is bigger than his actual head. He believes that if he pitched the idea to the Guiness Book of World Records, he'd win.
Imagine if he tried the self-portrait one in the dune buggy. It sounds crazy; all the more reason why I wouldn't put it past that Jackass.
Countdown to Jackass Intro - Commence Countdown
Countdown to Jackass Part 1 - Riot Control Test
The simplest tattoo pattern ever? Maybe...
Henry floors the dune buggy, and tattoo artist Jeff Tremaine goes to work. Rollins does a good job of finding routes to optimize bumpage and interference for Jeff. He makes sure that physically stable periods are kept to a minimum, whilst yelling to Steve-O "This course is designed to F*** YOU UP!!!".
About 45 minutes later, Rollins brings the vehicle to a halt, and Steve-O looks at his tattoo. At first glance, Jeff appears to have done a superb job of following the simplistic pattern, to which Steve-O proclaims, "It's a total smiley face, dude!". Because of all the bumps, blood and ink can be seen smeared down Steve-O's arm.
The movie cuts to an unspecified amount of time later, and the happy face has somehow morphed into a circular smear resembling nothing. Amazingly, some ink dots can be seen as far as a few centimetres away from the circle.
"It's a total smiley face, dude!" - Steve-O
On a semi-related note, Steve-O had another tattoo done prior to the smiley face. This one, as you can see, is on a slightly grander scale.
Yes Steve-O; indeed you do rock.
This is his self-proclaimed, largest self-portrait tattoo on earth. According to Steve-O, the depicted head is bigger than his actual head. He believes that if he pitched the idea to the Guiness Book of World Records, he'd win.
Imagine if he tried the self-portrait one in the dune buggy. It sounds crazy; all the more reason why I wouldn't put it past that Jackass.
Countdown to Jackass Intro - Commence Countdown
Countdown to Jackass Part 1 - Riot Control Test
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