Movie review: Transformers

Did I think that the movie lived up to its hype, or that it had transformed into a shell of its former self?

Before I begin, I'd like to say that I started this post talking about how I planned on seeing Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix tonight. In that post, I made a brief, insignificant reference to Transformers. Suddenly, the thoughts kept on coming, and I decided that it would be wrong to deprive the loyal readership.

So, did I think the movie lived up to its hype, or was I sorely disappointed? Now that I've burned a paragraph, I'll cut to the chase; the latter. Go out and find Optimus (Michael Bay's version), because I'm about to flame the movie. BEWARE - spoilers abound for the five of you who haven't seen it yet.


Optimus arrives to help me set fire to the movie.

For the first hour or so, we see the Transformers disguise themselves amongst everyday forms. Bumblebee is an old car, Scorponok is your everyday run-of-the-mill giant scorpion, and Frenzy is a boombox just like in the cartoon. Oh wait, Frenzy is supposed to be a cassette tape that pounded the floor with battering rams, and Soundwave is a boombox. Whatever.


Just your everyday giant scorpion. No wonder it went undetected.

The first encounter is with a Decepticon helicopter, whose name I don't know. The Americans warn the chopper to leave as it is entering restricted airspace, but the defiant chopper lands at their base anyway. It then transforms into robot form - WHOA! The beautiful sequence takes about 5 seconds, which is dumb for a number of reasons. 1) It's not practical. Had the humans learned, they would've just dropped napalm on an unsuspecting Decepticon while it was going through the rigours of transforming. 2) In the middle of the 5 second sequence is 1 second of the famous transforming sound. Uhhh Michael....the sound is what transforming sounds like, idiot. It's not just some random sound byte you stick in the middle of the sequence. In other words, the length of the sound equals the amount of time required to transform.

Meanwhile, a boy back in the US meets up with the Autobots and is bestowed the task of saving the world; by finding his grandfather's glasses. How did the Autobots know that he had the coveted glasses? eBay, natch. How does a pair of a dead man's glasses have implications on the fate of our world? In a nutshell, there is this cube from Cybertron, the Transformers home planet, that can create robot life. If in the wrong hands, an evil-doer, such as Megatron, can create an endless army and do God knows what. In this case, wipe out human life as we know it. Once Optimus finds the cube, he vows to take it into his chest, destroying the instrument and himself in the process. As Optimus explains the history its history, we're treated to some visions of Cybertron when war raged over that damn cube. Amidst mountains, lava, and hellfire and brimstone, Autobots and Decepticons battle it out. Since when did Cybertron become Middle Earth? Why does it look so organic? Whatever.

While the boy and his crush search his room for the glasses, his parents become suspicious of loud noises coming from outside. However, they never see the Autobots (who are as big as their house) because they are remarkably good at hiding. Ummm, does anyone recall the Transformers tagline from the 80's? "Robots in disguise": i.e. they hide by turning into a form familiar to humans, remaining undetected. They don't hide by finding cover behind a bush.

After being apprehended by government officials, it's revealed that a black ops division of the US government is in possession of the cube and Megatron (under constant supervision and cyrostasis). Eventually Starscream (I think) cuts power off from the facility, disabling the cyrostasis and allowing Megatron to escape. The humans escape too, with the cube in tow. The question is, how does Megatron, a handgun, escape a deep underground facility? Simple, he's actually an X-Wing ship (of Star Wars fame). Huh? Apparently the explanation is that he's a Cybertronian ship. OK, so why didn't the other recently-landed Transformers come with their own vehicle-form already?


Run, it's an army of Megatrons!

In the end, after a long battle in the city, in which, miraculously, there were no human fatalities after billions of dollars in damage, Spike kills Megatron and the cube by inserting it into his chest. What? How the hell did he know that would kill Megatron and not make him uber-powerful? More importantly, how did Optimus Prime not think to do that? Why was he so adamant about offing himself when he could've killed off that nuisance whilst taking care of the cube dilemma?

The answer lies in Optimus' first line after Megatron dies, "I'm sorry, brother." I see; you wanted to sacrifice yourself out of love for your brother. And then what would happen to the humans you've fought so hard to protect over the past 48 hours? Do you really think that Megatron would be so touched that he would strive to continue your work? And really; BROTHERS? Please. I think that end-of-the-movie swerve induced the least amount of emotion since I discovered that solyent green was made out of people (PEOPLE!).

In the end, Bumblebee somehow gets his voice back. The kid starts making out with the girl on top of Bumbleebee while the other Autobots watch. Optimus talks about the glory of humans, and calls upon other Autobots to join them on earth. During all this sunshine happiness, Starscream escapes. SEQUEL!

In the end, I'm glad I saw it. Yes I hated it - hate is a strong word, and that's why I use it - but it's kind of like my disdain for the Simpsons; I hate it for what it has become, but watch it for what it used to be.

Book Review: Oryx and Crake (by Margaret Atwood)

More like Bore-yx and Crake.
Before I get started, I'd like to mention that I flip flopped between "Bore-yx and Crake" and "Snore-yx and Crake". I also wanted to title it "Bore-yx and Crappy", but a friend pointed out that "Crake" rhymes with "cake", not "crack-e".



When I asked for a book recommendation, a friend of mine brought up "Oryx and Crake", a novel released in 2004 by renowned Canadian author Margaret Atwood. I had never read an Atwood novel (not even in high school), so I decided to take a chance. A few other people I know have mentioned how good it was, and it was short-listed for the Man Booker Prize. The book seemed to be bursting at the seams with credentials and accolades.

The premise sounded interesting enough; a drifter drifts alone in a dystopian world after his friend's attempt at molding a utopian society went to shit. What was once the world we now know has become a desolate wasteland, and the drifter, unfortunately, survived the armageddon. His name is Snowman, but he used to be called Jimmy. Ever since that fateful event, the man has dubbed himself "Snowman." Why "Snowman"? What significance does a snowman hold in this man's life that has caused him to alter his ego around it? Did he enjoy snowballing with girls in the past? We'll find out.

I'm no author, but whether you're writing a paragraph, novel, dissertation, or essay, the structure goes as follows: introduction, body, conclusion. Notice how the introduction comprises only 1/3 of the overall structure, not 9/10.

I can't even say that the plot moves at a snail's pace, it simply doesn't move. Things finally begin to pick up around the last little bit, by which time readers may have tuned out (I've stopped books before just because they were utterly bad). In the end, I finished the book, and though I can honestly say I'm glad I did, the payoff in the end wasn't worth sitting through 250 pages of introduction and set-up. The only reason I'm glad to have finished it is to say "I've read an Atwood novel." If her other books are as boring as this one, this is an accomplishment I'm boasting for the wrong reasons. I'm likening it to a medal of survival instead of a literary status symbol.

Now, some comments on small parts of the story....(minor spoilers coming up).....

What is the deal with Crake and Jimmy watching porn? Jimmy speaks fondly of when he and his childhood buddy would watch internet porn, together, in the comfort of his bedroom. Jimmy doesn't go into further detail, and he admits that the porn videos eventually got boring. Despite the increasing boredom, the two managed to make the time pass, together....there's something unsettling about two heterosexual teenaged guys enjoying their sausages together, without the buns.


A computer simulation of Jimmy and Crake's teenaged years.

Finally, I will also never come to understand Jimmy's fascination with Oryx. Yes, she is beautiful, but what a fucking tease. "Oh Jimmy, why do you keep asking me that?" "Oh Jimmy, why do you always want to know that?" Maybe if you gave him a straight answer he'd stop asking.

(end spoilers)

You do eventually find out why Jimmy renamed himself Snowman. After the world went to shit, he just picked it. Neither snowmen, nor snowballing, held any significance in life. I don't even think winter was ever a major setting in the story. He could've fashioned a name that paid homage to his forgotten lover Oryx, or his beloved pet from childhood (for whom he still weeps), but no, he goes for the most insignificant, inert nickname possible...Snowman. That climax is more non-existent than a faked orgasm.

If you're a big Atwood fan, I suppose you'd like this book. If that's the case, you've probably already read it. So for the rest of you, stay clear and read something else. There are better ways to pass the time; like watching internet porn with a close friend.